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Got Your SixA few days ago I finally figured out that Disturbed are a parody band. I know, I’m an idiot who should’ve realised sooner. In the same review I put forth the idea that bro-metallers Five Finger Death Punch may also be a parody band. I also said that I would not be listening to their new album, Got Your Six, to find out.

But I just couldn’t resist.

The album opens with its title track and the opening line, “I’m a fucking soldier/just like I told ya,” pretty much sets the tone for the whole album. Ivan Moody and company are the definition of the word “tryhard.” They are so desperate to convince you that they’re tough, but their vague threats always seem like posturing, rather than intimidating. The equivalent of a 12 year old kid kicking your leg and warning you he has a blackbelt.

When Moody isn’t trying to look tough, he’s on his only other setting; a super sensitive man who totally knows it’s ok to cry. Because of this dichotomy, one might think that a song entitled “Jekyll and Hyde” may take an interesting look at these two sides of Moody’s personality. You’d be wrong. Instead we get a hilarious song where Moody tells us that “All I’m trying to do is live my motherfucking life,” in spoken-word verses before going into a ridiculous “oh-wee-oh” chorus that doesn’t pack anywhere near the punch it’s clearly supposed to. As a side note, congratulations to Zac Brown Band for no longer having the worst piece of music named after Jekyll and Hyde this year. Good job guys.

We get a look at Moody’s sensitive side on tracks like, “Question Everything” where he tells us he doesn’t mind admitting he’s to blame for some things. But that just makes me think, who the hell is he so mad at? Most of the tracks on this album have some sort of insult or vague threat pointed at “you.” Who “you” could be is uncertain. Moody never elaborates or gives any specific information about who he’s talking about. Just that he’s mad at them, he’s going to beat them up and take their lunch money and, presumably, they’ve slighted him in some way to deserve it.

Call me a cynic, but after six albums of this I’ve got the sneaking suspicion that Ivan Moody has a bit of a persecution complex. Perhaps he simply makes up boogeymen to be mad at, because he can’t accept how fortunate he’s been in life. If so, I’d like to think that’s worth some praise. At least he took that persecution complex and made something creative (debatable) with it. Most people with that problem just tweet about ethics in games journalism.

Sure, he’s been doing this for a while now, but that doesn’t mean that Got Your Six doesn’t break any new ground. While tracks on previous albums can be neatly split into angry Moody and sensitive Moody, on this album Five Finger Death Punch boldly blur that line with songs like “Wash it All Away” and “Ain’t my Last Dance,” where Ivan Moody manages to display an amazing range by being both angry and sensitive. Then we have tracks like “Diggin’ My Own Grave,” which falls squarely into the “sensitive” category, but don’t worry, there are still some unnecessarily harsh backing vocals so all the meatheads can still mosh to it.

For the record, when I called Disturbed a parody band, I was of course joking, but to be honest I managed to convince myself a little bit. I wish I could say the same for Five Finger Death Punch, but it’s all just so genuine in how stupid it is. I’m not sure these guys would even be capable of irony. It would be kind of endearing if the entire band, Moody in particular, didn’t emanate such a sense of vile aggression. Everything from the lyrics to the generic bro-metal riffs are just such ridiculous attempts at toughness. Truthfully I thought I’d at least get a few laughs out of this album, but I couldn’t have hated it more. The switch between tough-guy and sensitive-guy is so nakedly pandering, but nonetheless unpleasant. But the worst thing is that Got Your Six isn’t just unlikeable, it’s lazy. It’s everything Five Finger Death Punch did on their last five albums, which was only ever a watered-down version of what Pantera did in the nineties.

The final track on this album is called “I Apologize.” It’s not enough.